You Raise Me Up

Dear Micah and Liam -

When your dad and I were married six years ago, we danced with our parents (me with Pop-Pop, he with Grandma) to Josh Groban's song, "You Raise Me Up". It's such a beautiful song and was so fitting to play as a small thank you to our parents for all that they did to prepare us for one another.

A couple of days ago, I was on the way home from somewhere and had the two of you in the back of the car. Liam was fairly quiet, only speaking up to babble every once in a while. Micah had been pretty silent until this song came on the radio.

When it did, I selfishly wanted to have a moment. I wanted to remember dancing my father, all the feelings of marrying yours, and just feeling like all was right with the world.

I didn't get my moment. Micah, you picked that time to ask all kinds of questions about all different kinds of things. And I started to get frustrated, thinking why couldn't you just stop talking for a few minutes so that I could enjoy the song and live in my memories.

And then it hit me and I had to laugh at myself. I was so busy trying to live in my old memories that I was failing at creating new memories for you. As wonderful as our wedding was, it's over. The symbolism isn't and the beauty of it lingers, but the memory of the day wasn't nearly as important as the memory I was creating with you. Paying attention to you and focusing on you was more important than focusing on me.

Thanks for reminding me to live in the moment, and teaching me once again to live in the moment.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up to more than I can be.

Love,

Mommy

Leaving You

Dear Micah and Liam -

Some recent national headline news was about a young mother from Ohio. She never returned from a shopping trip one Saturday, and her car was subsequently found in the parking lot of a park near her home with the tires slashed and the keys in the ignition. Soon there was a nationwide hunt for this mother, who had a husband and a one-year-old daughter waiting for her at home. The hope for her safe return faded as more and more time passed.

Several days later, she was found alive. But she wasn't in danger and she wasn't hurt. Instead, she had fled to Florida with a new boyfriend, and simply just walked away from her life. There was nothing and no one preventing her from returning home and seeing her daughter. Instead, she just said she was overwhelmed with life as a working mother, and when her (also married) boyfriend talked about just walking away from it all and driving to Florida, her response was "take me with you."

This story broke my heart for several reasons. The feeling of being trapped and sometimes wanting to just get away are things that, I think, every mother can relate to, especially in the middle of those difficult and repetitive days. Before having the two of you, I had repeatedly heard that motherhood was the most difficult job on earth. Now, having experienced, I believe that it is.

But there is a huge difference between this woman in Ohio and me. Nothing could ever voluntarily keep me from you. Nothing. I could never just walk away from you and look to start a new life somewhere else. Because you are my life. Caring for you and nurturing you and playing with you and helping you become men is my full-time job, and it's the best thing I could ever choose to do with my life.

You're going to worry about a lot of things in life as you get older. You'll worry about homework and playing sports and eventually girls and maybe even where you'll got to college and who you'll marry. But one thing you will never have to worry about is my devotion to you. As long as it is within my power to do so, I will always be there for you. I will always support you. And no matter what, I will always love you.

May you always rest easy knowing that your Mommy is here, and your Mommy will never leave.

Love,
Mommy

Little Moments, Big Picture

Dear Micah and Liam -

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what you will remember from your childhood.

I'm sure there's not a lot that we've done to this point that either of you, especially Liam, would remember since your brains aren't completely capable yet of storing memories. I suppose that's why we take so many pictures - our attempt to freeze time and help you to remember. But I also know that Daddy and I are laying the groundwork for what will hopefully be some wonderful recollections for you in the years to come, training ourselves as to how to create great experiences for you.

At the same time, however, I know that a lot of the things I remember from my childhood weren't the big trips or the grand moments. I remember my dad drying my hair at night after bathtime. I remember decorating cookies in the kitchen at Christmastime, my mom churning them out quicker than Aunt Heidi, Uncle Ryan, my grandmother and I could paint them. I remember lighting sparklers in the backyard, celebrating birthdays, and family card games.

What I am most conscious of with the two of you right now is trying to live in the moment - trying to play trucks or help you walk or teach you how to use a toy or make time for a stroll around the block to point out all the fun stuff like mail trucks and trees and anthills.
What I am afraid of is you remembering the not-so-good moments, where I have been frustrated and lost my cool and yelled at you when I shouldn't have. The moments where, for a variety of reasons none of which had anything to do with you, I wasn't in the mood to be a parent, and that showed in the way that I reacted to something you said or did.

My request is that you forgive the moments of impatience and frustration. You don't have to forget them; they may shape you in a variety of different ways and even if they don't, they are part of your unique experience. But in forgiveness comes redemption, a chance to look at the world through new eyes again.

I am grateful for the chance to start over again today with you, to treat today like the new day that it is, and work on being the best mom I can, because you deserve nothing less.

And I hope that one day, when you're grown, you can look back on your childhood and have a few really cherished memories of what it was like to grow up in our family.

Love,
Mommy

Unique Perspectives Rock

Dear Micah and Liam -

One of my favorite things about being your mom is watching you grow and change around the clock. Sometimes I feel like you go to bed one person and you wake up another, older, wiser person. Even you, Liam, as a baby are changing so much right before our eyes. You're taking more and more steps every day and demonstrating your independence along with your toddling abilities. Soon you'll be running everywhere and we won't be able to keep up!

Micah, tonight you called me into your room a few minutes after Daddy had turned out the light. You have this thing lately, ever since we had a bad storm in the not-so-distant past, where you think you see lightning flashes out your window and it scares you a little. Reassurance comes when you and I go out on the porch to see if we can see the lightning together. I think being together and me holding you makes you feel safe, and you even enjoy the flashes of light.

So I picked you up in my arms and we went out on the porch. It's so humid already, even though it's only May 3, but the night was clear. Then we had the following conversation:

Micah: "I don't see any lightning. The stars are on!"
Mommy: "Yes, all the stars are on."
Micah: "No thunder tonight."
Mommy: "No, I don't hear any thunder."
Micah: "Maybe the thunder is at the mall. I hear it there with my ears."
Mommy: "We did hear it there with our ears a few weeks ago."
Micah: "Maybe that's a good idea."

A few reasons I will always cherish this conversation between the two of us.
1. Who but a child can look at the night sky and remark that the stars are on? I never thought of it that way, but you're right. One minute you can't see them and the next you can, just like turning on a light.
2. "Hearing with my ears." This was a phrase I started using at Christmastime. I was trying to differentiate between you watching Mickey Mouse on the computer and listening to your Mickey CD. You understood ears and eyes at the time, but not the concept of hearing and seeing. So I would tell you when we were in the car that we were going to listen to Mickey with your ears. Now, when you're listening for anything in particular, you always "Hear it with your ears".
3. We were indeed at the mall with Grandma a few weeks ago when one of the big storms hit. I think that's when you really got your first memorable taste of thunder and lightning, so now you seem to always associate the mall with the bad weather. To me, it's priceless that you somehow think that the thunder and lightning live at the mall.
4. "Maybe that's a good idea." We've been trying to get you to understand the difference between things you're supposed to do (good ideas) and things you're not supposed to do (bad ideas). "Maybe that's a good idea" or "Maybe that's a bad idea" are now your favorite phrases and you use them at really funny times, like tonight when you're talking about it being a good idea that the lightning and thunder live at the mall.

Micah, your two-and-a-half-year-old perspective is such a joy to experience. While I know that you are growing up and will soon stop expressing things in such a unique way, I hope that you are never afraid to have a different perspective and communicate it. Because the world is so boring when everyone falls into line behind one another and everyone wears the same color and everyone has the same opinion and everyone is afraid of their own unique spirit.

Don't be afraid. Be you. Always be you. Because you are already one of the most interesting people I have ever met and the world would be a much darker place without your unique spirit.


Love,
Mommy

Love never goes out of style

Dear Micah and Liam -

I've been thinking a lot about kindness lately. Too often, more often than I'd like to admit, I get frustrated and impatient with people and forget what the Bible teaches about the two main rules by which we are to live our lives.

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:36-40

On the surface, it seems so simple. I love God, and I love myself. What's so hard about loving someone else the way that I know I need to be loved?

I used to think that the problem lay in other people. If other people weren't so crazy, so picky, so close-minded, so oblivious, so mean, so you-fill-in-the-blank, I would be happy to love them. Why were they making it so hard for me to do as God requires?

A few years ago, out of the blue, it hit me: the problem is me. The love God offers me is unconditional. I'm fortunate enough to be able to say that the love I offer myself is, largely, unconditional. The love I need to offer others should be unconditional.

I learned this lesson while I was working in ministry a few years ago. I came to know a woman who was difficult to love. She had some mental difficulties that led to some social disorders, and she was generally a tough person to be around. She tended to have no filter and paid no attention to how her comments affected others. Her presence was threatening the health and vitality of the ministry I was leading.

I will admit that I was tired of dealing with her. Several people that I confided in about her had encouraged me to part ways with her, and disallow her from being part of the ministry I led. But something kept me from making that final cut. Then one day as I was pondering how to handle her, I realized what was going on. God had placed this person in my life to teach me about love. And in that moment, when I had that realization, I looked at this woman and, as she was making nonsensical statements, I literally saw the face of Jesus in her, and it occurred to me that Jesus loves her. Jesus loves her as much as he loves me.

It was, to say it mildly, a turning point in my life.

If Jesus loved her as much as Jesus loves me, than I am called to nothing less than loving her as well. And I can honestly say that I do. It wasn't an instantaneous love, but I committed to working on it and, over time, I grew to love this woman. I wasn't always happy about the things that she did, but I saw her in a new light - one of love.

Ever since then, I try to focus on loving others. I see other people differently. I feel like I know them better. I may not always succeed, but I can honestly say that I'm trying to do everything in love. I believe God is softening my soul, and teaching me how to love. I pray that you will know this love too - the unconditional kind God offers, and the incredible kind you can learn to offer the world.

Love,
Mommy